Loss

My grandmother died in the early hours of morning. A call went out and the family woke and raced to the hospital. Their headlights pierced through the dark of the night. Few made it in time. My mother and two aunts were entering the hospital when they got the call. It was like she needed all of the strings of her life present, so she could cut them and leave.

So here I sit, in my favorite robe, the one she gave me. It is cold and drizzly and gray outside, a perfect day to die, and I feel like I am a thousand miles away.

Christmas is Here

Tonight we watched Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. I went outside during a commercial and looked at our Christmas tree from the outside. It is so much more magical in real life. I can't even bear to turn it off during the day.

A New England State of Mind

We are settled. Things are settling. We have a routine. He comes home at lunchtime every day. I have his sandwich ready with a small handful of chips, an apple and some sort of dessert. Sometimes I make cookies. It is comfortable and we are content. He tells me about work. We talk about random pieces of evidence from the Lindbergh baby kidnapping that he comes across while going through the collection that he's working on. I am trying not to let the anxieties of everyday life consume me. I do well most of the time. Learning to live together has been pretty simple. He is easy to live with. A little messy, perhaps, but I think I was too when I had a job to get up and go to every morning. I am more neurotic and he has adapted to my needs well. Other than small things it is like nothing ever changed.

Life is Hard

We're in Massachusetts. Sometimes I wonder, is life always going to be so much work? Maybe some days I'm just stronger than others, but it just seems like one thing after another. And it is. Issues with my car put me over the edge the most. My transmission is dying. Again. At this point I just need to get a new car, but what? I need a Massachusetts driver's license, and if my car worked I would need to get it inspected and get new plates. Oh, and my Nationwide insurance? It doesn't cover Massachusetts. So much for Nationwide. Also, I need to find a job.

All of that aside, we are here. We are safe and in love and healthy...ish. We've also both been sick. No wonder I feel so overwhelmed. Hopefully we'll have a nice long weekend together and everything will work out. I hope that the concrete block on my chest will start to break up. A little piece here, a little piece there. Just enough so I feel like I can get a full breath.

“ When people show you who they are, believe them. „


Maya Angelou

Letters from C's mother

I received an email from C's mom today. In it she said, "Seems like they hang on and hang on and then one day they all blow away." She was talking about the leaves this time of year, but the way she worded it really resonated with me. We hang on and we hang on and then we just let go. Most of life is like that. We try and we try and then we just can't anymore. The leaves are the same way.

Two Weeks

In two weeks my home will be in a moving van. C's belongings and my belongings will be mixed together. We will be on our way to our new life. Everyone keeps asking if I'm nervous. They give me this sympathetic look and cock their heads to the side, "You must be so nervous" they say. I was surprised the first time someone said that. I'm not nervous at all. I don't really know how I feel, but I'm not nervous. I'm more impatient than anything.

I've been waiting for this part of my life for so long. I didn't picture it happening in New England, but the location isn't nearly as important as the family. I will be with my partner, my buoy, my safety. Buoy is a good way to describe what C is to me. He keeps me afloat when all I want to do is sink. He keeps me anchored and safe. We will also be near his family. I know he has wanted this for a long time. I am excited to form a closer relationship with his family. It's hard to get to know people when you only see them once or twice a year. Lastly, my sister is in Massachusetts. My sister. The only family member I have that I actually would have chosen had I the choice.

I finally feel like I am actually in control of my own life.

Millie's

C and I went to dinner at Millie's Diner last night. This restaurant is a Richmond institution. People travel to eat at Millie's. It's been featured in several well-known food and travel magazines. Every Richmonder recognizes how lucky we are to have Millie's and it's the first place we think of to take out-of-towners.

Despite being profoundly broke, C and I had things to celebrate. We're engaged! We're moving! And we finally, finally found somewhere to live. A frozen pizza was not enough for our excitement. So off we went. We arrived around 6:00 and were told there would be a short wait. There were open seats at the six-person bar so we settled in. I ordered a glass of Malbec and C had a Legend.

The wait was not short, but it wasn't unenjoyable either. My seat was right next to the open kitchen and we changed our entree choices several times as we saw each new dish leave the kitchen. C originally decided on the 20oz rib eye, but rethought his decision once he saw just how much over a pound of steak looks like. He settled on the pan roasted pork tenderloin and I went with the roasted half chicken.

We were seated a little after 7:00 in a cozy booth. Quickly delivered to us was a bread basket with the most incredible jalapeño corn bread I've ever had in my life. It was light, moist and flavorful, but it could have used a little more salt. Our orders were taken quickly and we settled in and took in our surroundings.

At every booth there is a little vintage jukebox. You can buy 3 songs for a quarter. I pulled out my wallet several times so C could pick a new selection. It felt similar to giving a child money to throw in the fountain at the park. C seemed so delighted by it.

My appetizer arrived first. I chose fried green tomatoes with pimento cheese. I'm not a huge fan of pimento cheese, but I love fried green tomatoes so I gave it a shot. The tomatoes were perfect in their cornmeal crust. The pimento cheese went well with the tomatoes, adding a surprising tanginess. My favorite part though, was the drizzle of basil infused olive oil around the outside of the plate. It was so unexpected, and a perfect addition to round out the flavors.

Then C's appetizer came. He chose chicken fried frog legs. Just thinking about it was making me nauseous, but I've always considered myself an adventurous eater. They looked like elongated drumsticks. They came with a chive biscuit and a drizzle of honey. I carefully used my fork to cut off a piece of "meat". It looked enough like chicken. I let it sit on the end of my fork for awhile, letting it cool, delaying the inevitable. Then I dove in. I was immediately repulsed. It did not taste like chicken. It was rubbery and the flavor was off. I could not believe how big they were. We watched an HBO documentary once about Louisiana and there were these backwoods country boys that hunted bullfrogs. They held them by the arms and head and skinned them from the belly down. I doubt I would have enjoyed the frogs legs before watching that, but those hicks definitely made it worse. C loved them. He looked like a frat boy digging into a dozen chicken wings before the big game (just kidding C!).

The entrees were up next. C's pork tenderloin with incredible. It was seared on the outside and stuffed with roulade. It rested on top of a stone ground grit cake and spaghetti squash puree. This meal with right up his alley. My chicken was juicy and flavorful and came with the lightest truffled celery root puree and swiss chard.

At this point we had been at Millie's for two and half hours. We were full and exhausted. I'll never understand how people can go on these restaurant marathons, sitting at a table for four hours. We ordered a piece of hazelnut chocolate torte to go and headed home. I tried the torte this morning. The flavor was incredible, but I would prefer for the hazelnuts to be ground a little more fine. What I love about tortes is the smooth, dense texture, this torte was almost gritty.

All in all we had an excellent time at Millie's. The staff was polite and attentive. My water glass was never less than a quarter empty. The food was incredible. C said it was the best dining experience he's ever had in Richmond. I'm sure we'll go back to Millie's someday, but we'll have to wait for another reason to celebrate.

One of Those Days

Today was one of those days. Everything seemed to go wrong. The apartment we wanted was taken by someone else. I know we'll find something, but I had started making plans. I was daydreaming about that big kitchen and where I would hang things on the walls. I was feeling relieved that we could check one more thing off the list and fill out change of address forms. The little things that seem to be piling up.

And then, when I was finally leaving work, I discovered that I had locked my keys in the car. On days like today I just don't know what to do with myself. Work has been exhausting for months, and it's really starting to catch up with me. I'm having trouble sleeping, and rarely get more than 5 hours a night anymore. I'm just plain tired. I am incredibly fortunate to have the life that I have, but today I just want to have a pity party.

Early Morning

It seems that early morning is my favorite time to write. My sleep has been erratic. Today I woke at 2am and again for good at 5. In the morning everything is clean and crisp. Outside it is quiet. There are only a few cars on the road. Where are they going?

There are boxes everywhere. The clutter makes me anxious, but I am relieved to see progress. C's parents are looking at apartments for us on Saturday. Once that is taken care of I think I will feel better. The bills are piling up, but I don't want to send them out until I have our new address. I won't be here the next time they come.

I try my best to do things perfectly. That's why this move is driving me crazy. I want it to go off without a hitch.. but it probably won't. I vacillate between being completely at peace with that notion and obsessive planning trying to come up with new ways to make it perfect.

I can hear the train. I hope there will be a train nearby in Northampton.

Big News

Well, big changes are happening on the RR/EG front. I'm not sure what I'm going to do about my name... I'm not a girlfriend anymore. On Sunday, C took me to the Shenandoah Valley and proposed! It's a great story, probably better told by him, but it was a beautiful day. The foliage was just starting to turn in the mountains. I am still riding high and can't stop looking at my ring.

On top of that big news we're also moving to Massachusetts! C got a job at Smith College. We're leaving Richmond in early/mid November. We're making a lot of progress over here. We're still looking for an apartment, but we've been packing like crazy and C is meeting with movers today. I'm so excited I can hardly sleep.

Friday at Four in the Morning

I have been awake for awhile. My breathing technique that usually puts me to sleep has not been working. I can hear an ambulance somewhere west of here. The cats are unsettled, the weather is unsettled. Earlier I was reading and the power flickered. It was absolute darkness for a moment.

I have a bad relationship with 4am. These past few weeks I see 4:00 one way or another. At first I woke up at 4:00, which was annoying, but not terrible. Now I wake up at 1:00 or 2:00 and don't nod off again until after 4:00. I feel exhausted right now, but not tired. There's so much to think about. I need to start packing. I'm making a mental list of all the things I can pack now. Books, pictures, most of the things on the walls. Should I try to bring my cacti along?

If you can shove through all of the worry and anxiety you can see that I am truly happy. I will get to be near Caite. I will be able to start fresh with a new job. C and I will be able to move forward with our lives. This is the beginning of our adventure.

I Have No Words

And that's a good thing. I will say more when I've found my voice.

The End of an Era

C and I went to Byrd Park on Sunday to try out the paddle boats. We had an okay time. My dad was right when he warned us that after about 5 minutes we would be ready to head back in. It's a small man-made lake and you rent the boats for $12/half hour. Sometime towards the end of our 30 minute ride my ID and debit card wormed themselves out of my pocket and into the lake. It's a very helpless feeling being without identification and access to your main bank account.

My new ID just arrived in the mail, and its a sideways license instead of the up and down license I've had since I was sixteen. I'm not sure if other states do it this way, but in Virginia if you're under 21 your license is read vertically. After you turn 21 (and renew your license) then you get one that's read horizontally. So now I have my grown-up license. In some way this solidifies my adulthood more than anything so far.

Thanks for making it official, DMV.

Lemon Drop Liquor

This is one of C's favorite drinks.

 
You make a simple syrup with one part sugar one part water. Add the juice from a couple of lemons and some strips of lemon zest. Throw it all in a mason jar with a bottle of vodka. Now, technically you're supposed to put it in a dark, cool place for three weeks, shaking the jar every two days.

It usually only sits for a week before C gets his greasy little paws on it in our house. I typically mix it with a squeeze of fresh lemon and sparkling water. However, you can shake it with ice and serve it straight up.

Exhaustion

It's a common theme these days. Even when my body is still my mind is racing. It's been too long since I got a good night's sleep. I usually do not write when I feel this way, but I think I should. I've felt this way before and it's a hopeless feeling, but it alway goes away. I will not feel like this forever. All I need is a cup of tea, a day off and a warm bed. This will get better.

Today I Would Rather...

Stay in bed all day with C
I wish I hadn't had to put on make up
Or blow dry my hair
I would have gone on a walk
and seen these flowers again
I would have gone out to breakfast
I could have played tennis
or gone on a run!
I have too much energy today
to sit at a desk
Maybe it's just anger
I never have real energy
but I'm so angry today I feel like I could
climb a mountain
wrestle a bear
beat cancer and
write a book
all before dark

On Sunday we went on a long walk.

I grew up in the suburbs. My parents were overprotective and I wasn't allowed much alone time. We rarely went on walks together and as an adult my philosophy has been "Why walk when you can drive?" I saw walking as inefficient and boring.

C spent months battling my adversity to walking. I would argue, "It's too cold. It's getting dark. My feet/back/legs hurt!" But slowly, I started coming around. I started seeing things that you can't see when you're flying by in an SUV. That house on Grove with the lovely yard. The intricate architecture, specific plants and trees I'd never noticed. The long quiet stretches and the conversations that come up. The decision to stop into a restaurant for a drink just because you happened upon it.

On Sunday we walked to VCU. It's a long walk, but the day was overcast and cooler than usual and we wanted to get out of the house. We stopped for coffee and tea at Starbucks. We walked past the park, and saw a cat in a window. When we made it to the library it was closed. We sat on a bench and finished our drinks. We remarked that it was getting darker and windy.

On the walk home it started raining. C suggested we stop at Garnett's, a tiny restaurant on Park Ave, and wait out the storm. I had bubbly glass of vinho verde and a cheese plate. C had a sandwich and a couple of beers. When we left it was still raining, but we didn't care.

We were almost home when we came up behind a man who was stumbling and using the building next to us to support himself. It was only 4:00, but he was very drunk. I was closest to him, and groaned under my breath. Drunks are unpredictable and I don't like being around strangers when they're drunk. Wordlessly, C put his hand on my waist and pushed me behind him and to his left, putting himself between me and the man. This gesture, so small, meant so much. My eyes stung and I smiled, wrapping my arm around his. C doesn't often verbally express how he feels, but as long as he keeps protecting me from drunk, homeless people he doesn't need to.

Once we were a block ahead of the man C told me that he had seen that same man about a week ago. He was on the way home with a pizza when the man stopped him. He was holding two jars and said, "What are these??" C said, "That one's peanut butter and that one is relish." The man pointed to the peanut butter and said, "Which one is this again?" and C said, "That's the peanut butter." And the man held up the relish and said, "What's this one?" and C said, "That's one's the relish." And walked on.

This seems like a fairly normal day, but it was a day that wouldn't have happened if we had been in a car. It would have taken 10 minutes to get to VCU to find the library closed. Then we would have gotten home before the rain started. I probably would have watched some show about mental disorders on A&E and C would have done stuff on the computer. I am so thankful to C for showing me how much more there is to the world when you're not behind glass windows with air conditioning. I may have taught C how to drive, but he taught me how to walk.

The Longest Week

I don't know what has been up with this week. I sleep, I work, I cook dinner. Repeat. Tuesday felt like it should have been Friday. C has a job interview in Raleigh in a couple of weeks. I think it is making time move slower. I have never been happier to see Thursday.

I've been doing research on Raleigh. It's fun learning about a new city. I think Raleigh would be a good fit. Even though I eventually want to be closer to C's family, moving north makes me anxious. I am the south. I am sweet tea and chicken and dumplings and a porch swing.

My mom got engaged on Monday. She's been with him for 5 months. C and I have been planning to get engaged longer than they've been together. To each his own.

It's Thursday, and that means C is coming over to my place tonight. We spend the week days at his apartment and Thursday - Sunday at mine. I like it when we're all at my apartment. It's easier for me to cook and I feel bad that the cats are alone most of the week. I'm glad C convinced me to get both of them so they can be each others friends.

Once, Stella got outside and we spent the entire weekend looking for her. Toby was so distressed he was trying to jump up the walls and running at the door and slamming himself in to it. We had to sedate him. I was so worried he was going to hurt himself. Stella spent two days under a storage unit behind my building. When we finally found her and got her home Toby hissed and swiped at her and they fought for a week.

We're taking Monday off and heading to the beach. Since I work on Saturday's I rarely get two consecutive days off. The summer is almost over and my skin is already getting lighter. I have to be so careful with C in the sun. His crazy Irish skin burns in minutes. I can't wait.

Tricks!

I love playing tricks on C. When I was growing up we would hide at the top of the stairs and jump out at the poor, unsuspecting person that was just trying to go to their bedroom. C doesn't appreciate it when I sneak into his apartment and bound into the study where he's trying to concentrate. As fun as this is for me, it is not fun for him, so I have been forced to find other ways to trick him.

First, I started hiding. I hide while he's in the shower. So he knows I'm there, just not where. I once buried myself under a down blanket in July at the bottom of his closet. Only to wait there, curled up for 25 minutes. Another time I went out on the balcony on a cold March morning wrapped only in a bed sheet. Usually I hide in closets, or under the kitchen table. On one lazy morning I decided to hide right as the bathroom door was opening and just hurled myself onto the floor on the other side of the bed. He stood right next to me while looking for me in the closet. I lay there frozen and shaking with laughter until he circled back around and found me 5 minutes later.

These cats are my greatest and favorite trick. I find the ads hilarious. At first I would just tear them out, fold them up and hand them to him whenever I stumbled across one. He would take the paper, shake his head, unfold it and say, "Why??" It was when he started refusing to take them from me that I realized I needed to up my game.

That's when I started sneaking them into his pockets. It is very convenient to date an unobservant man when trying to put things in his pockets. First, you must get him to stand up. Maybe ask him to help you with something in the kitchen. Getting him off of the sofa is the hardest part. After this it's a piece of cake. Next, you kiss him. Get a little grabby, this serves as a distraction for what is about to come. The final step is carefully slipping the folded ad from your pocket and into his. The front pockets are a little more advanced, but it takes less time to discover the plant. When you put it in the back pocket he can't hear/feel the crinkling as easily and it may take some time to discover. A quick discovery is key. You want him to realize that he's been had.

Lately, though, even the concealed cat ad is starting to lose its pizzazz. That's when I discovered it online. I held this knowledge in my pocket and waited for the perfect opportunity to strike. The other night C went up to the corner market and I knew this was my chance. I googled the image as quickly as his creaky old computer could google, right clicked and chose 'Set as Background.' The computer was just shutting down as he arrived home. I was giddy all night imagining him starting his computer in the morning, getting his cup of coffee and coming back to the black and white cat as his wallpaper.

The key to a trick is finding something that can keep you guessing. I never hide in the same place two times in a row. I try to come up with new, clever twists. Don't use all of your tricks at once. Spread them out and save them. And most importantly, only do things that make both of you laugh. Get out there kids. Trick each other.