Letters from C's mother

I received an email from C's mom today. In it she said, "Seems like they hang on and hang on and then one day they all blow away." She was talking about the leaves this time of year, but the way she worded it really resonated with me. We hang on and we hang on and then we just let go. Most of life is like that. We try and we try and then we just can't anymore. The leaves are the same way.

Two Weeks

In two weeks my home will be in a moving van. C's belongings and my belongings will be mixed together. We will be on our way to our new life. Everyone keeps asking if I'm nervous. They give me this sympathetic look and cock their heads to the side, "You must be so nervous" they say. I was surprised the first time someone said that. I'm not nervous at all. I don't really know how I feel, but I'm not nervous. I'm more impatient than anything.

I've been waiting for this part of my life for so long. I didn't picture it happening in New England, but the location isn't nearly as important as the family. I will be with my partner, my buoy, my safety. Buoy is a good way to describe what C is to me. He keeps me afloat when all I want to do is sink. He keeps me anchored and safe. We will also be near his family. I know he has wanted this for a long time. I am excited to form a closer relationship with his family. It's hard to get to know people when you only see them once or twice a year. Lastly, my sister is in Massachusetts. My sister. The only family member I have that I actually would have chosen had I the choice.

I finally feel like I am actually in control of my own life.

Millie's

C and I went to dinner at Millie's Diner last night. This restaurant is a Richmond institution. People travel to eat at Millie's. It's been featured in several well-known food and travel magazines. Every Richmonder recognizes how lucky we are to have Millie's and it's the first place we think of to take out-of-towners.

Despite being profoundly broke, C and I had things to celebrate. We're engaged! We're moving! And we finally, finally found somewhere to live. A frozen pizza was not enough for our excitement. So off we went. We arrived around 6:00 and were told there would be a short wait. There were open seats at the six-person bar so we settled in. I ordered a glass of Malbec and C had a Legend.

The wait was not short, but it wasn't unenjoyable either. My seat was right next to the open kitchen and we changed our entree choices several times as we saw each new dish leave the kitchen. C originally decided on the 20oz rib eye, but rethought his decision once he saw just how much over a pound of steak looks like. He settled on the pan roasted pork tenderloin and I went with the roasted half chicken.

We were seated a little after 7:00 in a cozy booth. Quickly delivered to us was a bread basket with the most incredible jalapeño corn bread I've ever had in my life. It was light, moist and flavorful, but it could have used a little more salt. Our orders were taken quickly and we settled in and took in our surroundings.

At every booth there is a little vintage jukebox. You can buy 3 songs for a quarter. I pulled out my wallet several times so C could pick a new selection. It felt similar to giving a child money to throw in the fountain at the park. C seemed so delighted by it.

My appetizer arrived first. I chose fried green tomatoes with pimento cheese. I'm not a huge fan of pimento cheese, but I love fried green tomatoes so I gave it a shot. The tomatoes were perfect in their cornmeal crust. The pimento cheese went well with the tomatoes, adding a surprising tanginess. My favorite part though, was the drizzle of basil infused olive oil around the outside of the plate. It was so unexpected, and a perfect addition to round out the flavors.

Then C's appetizer came. He chose chicken fried frog legs. Just thinking about it was making me nauseous, but I've always considered myself an adventurous eater. They looked like elongated drumsticks. They came with a chive biscuit and a drizzle of honey. I carefully used my fork to cut off a piece of "meat". It looked enough like chicken. I let it sit on the end of my fork for awhile, letting it cool, delaying the inevitable. Then I dove in. I was immediately repulsed. It did not taste like chicken. It was rubbery and the flavor was off. I could not believe how big they were. We watched an HBO documentary once about Louisiana and there were these backwoods country boys that hunted bullfrogs. They held them by the arms and head and skinned them from the belly down. I doubt I would have enjoyed the frogs legs before watching that, but those hicks definitely made it worse. C loved them. He looked like a frat boy digging into a dozen chicken wings before the big game (just kidding C!).

The entrees were up next. C's pork tenderloin with incredible. It was seared on the outside and stuffed with roulade. It rested on top of a stone ground grit cake and spaghetti squash puree. This meal with right up his alley. My chicken was juicy and flavorful and came with the lightest truffled celery root puree and swiss chard.

At this point we had been at Millie's for two and half hours. We were full and exhausted. I'll never understand how people can go on these restaurant marathons, sitting at a table for four hours. We ordered a piece of hazelnut chocolate torte to go and headed home. I tried the torte this morning. The flavor was incredible, but I would prefer for the hazelnuts to be ground a little more fine. What I love about tortes is the smooth, dense texture, this torte was almost gritty.

All in all we had an excellent time at Millie's. The staff was polite and attentive. My water glass was never less than a quarter empty. The food was incredible. C said it was the best dining experience he's ever had in Richmond. I'm sure we'll go back to Millie's someday, but we'll have to wait for another reason to celebrate.

One of Those Days

Today was one of those days. Everything seemed to go wrong. The apartment we wanted was taken by someone else. I know we'll find something, but I had started making plans. I was daydreaming about that big kitchen and where I would hang things on the walls. I was feeling relieved that we could check one more thing off the list and fill out change of address forms. The little things that seem to be piling up.

And then, when I was finally leaving work, I discovered that I had locked my keys in the car. On days like today I just don't know what to do with myself. Work has been exhausting for months, and it's really starting to catch up with me. I'm having trouble sleeping, and rarely get more than 5 hours a night anymore. I'm just plain tired. I am incredibly fortunate to have the life that I have, but today I just want to have a pity party.

Early Morning

It seems that early morning is my favorite time to write. My sleep has been erratic. Today I woke at 2am and again for good at 5. In the morning everything is clean and crisp. Outside it is quiet. There are only a few cars on the road. Where are they going?

There are boxes everywhere. The clutter makes me anxious, but I am relieved to see progress. C's parents are looking at apartments for us on Saturday. Once that is taken care of I think I will feel better. The bills are piling up, but I don't want to send them out until I have our new address. I won't be here the next time they come.

I try my best to do things perfectly. That's why this move is driving me crazy. I want it to go off without a hitch.. but it probably won't. I vacillate between being completely at peace with that notion and obsessive planning trying to come up with new ways to make it perfect.

I can hear the train. I hope there will be a train nearby in Northampton.

Big News

Well, big changes are happening on the RR/EG front. I'm not sure what I'm going to do about my name... I'm not a girlfriend anymore. On Sunday, C took me to the Shenandoah Valley and proposed! It's a great story, probably better told by him, but it was a beautiful day. The foliage was just starting to turn in the mountains. I am still riding high and can't stop looking at my ring.

On top of that big news we're also moving to Massachusetts! C got a job at Smith College. We're leaving Richmond in early/mid November. We're making a lot of progress over here. We're still looking for an apartment, but we've been packing like crazy and C is meeting with movers today. I'm so excited I can hardly sleep.

Friday at Four in the Morning

I have been awake for awhile. My breathing technique that usually puts me to sleep has not been working. I can hear an ambulance somewhere west of here. The cats are unsettled, the weather is unsettled. Earlier I was reading and the power flickered. It was absolute darkness for a moment.

I have a bad relationship with 4am. These past few weeks I see 4:00 one way or another. At first I woke up at 4:00, which was annoying, but not terrible. Now I wake up at 1:00 or 2:00 and don't nod off again until after 4:00. I feel exhausted right now, but not tired. There's so much to think about. I need to start packing. I'm making a mental list of all the things I can pack now. Books, pictures, most of the things on the walls. Should I try to bring my cacti along?

If you can shove through all of the worry and anxiety you can see that I am truly happy. I will get to be near Caite. I will be able to start fresh with a new job. C and I will be able to move forward with our lives. This is the beginning of our adventure.