I Have No Words

And that's a good thing. I will say more when I've found my voice.

The End of an Era

C and I went to Byrd Park on Sunday to try out the paddle boats. We had an okay time. My dad was right when he warned us that after about 5 minutes we would be ready to head back in. It's a small man-made lake and you rent the boats for $12/half hour. Sometime towards the end of our 30 minute ride my ID and debit card wormed themselves out of my pocket and into the lake. It's a very helpless feeling being without identification and access to your main bank account.

My new ID just arrived in the mail, and its a sideways license instead of the up and down license I've had since I was sixteen. I'm not sure if other states do it this way, but in Virginia if you're under 21 your license is read vertically. After you turn 21 (and renew your license) then you get one that's read horizontally. So now I have my grown-up license. In some way this solidifies my adulthood more than anything so far.

Thanks for making it official, DMV.

Lemon Drop Liquor

This is one of C's favorite drinks.

 
You make a simple syrup with one part sugar one part water. Add the juice from a couple of lemons and some strips of lemon zest. Throw it all in a mason jar with a bottle of vodka. Now, technically you're supposed to put it in a dark, cool place for three weeks, shaking the jar every two days.

It usually only sits for a week before C gets his greasy little paws on it in our house. I typically mix it with a squeeze of fresh lemon and sparkling water. However, you can shake it with ice and serve it straight up.

Exhaustion

It's a common theme these days. Even when my body is still my mind is racing. It's been too long since I got a good night's sleep. I usually do not write when I feel this way, but I think I should. I've felt this way before and it's a hopeless feeling, but it alway goes away. I will not feel like this forever. All I need is a cup of tea, a day off and a warm bed. This will get better.

Today I Would Rather...

Stay in bed all day with C
I wish I hadn't had to put on make up
Or blow dry my hair
I would have gone on a walk
and seen these flowers again
I would have gone out to breakfast
I could have played tennis
or gone on a run!
I have too much energy today
to sit at a desk
Maybe it's just anger
I never have real energy
but I'm so angry today I feel like I could
climb a mountain
wrestle a bear
beat cancer and
write a book
all before dark

On Sunday we went on a long walk.

I grew up in the suburbs. My parents were overprotective and I wasn't allowed much alone time. We rarely went on walks together and as an adult my philosophy has been "Why walk when you can drive?" I saw walking as inefficient and boring.

C spent months battling my adversity to walking. I would argue, "It's too cold. It's getting dark. My feet/back/legs hurt!" But slowly, I started coming around. I started seeing things that you can't see when you're flying by in an SUV. That house on Grove with the lovely yard. The intricate architecture, specific plants and trees I'd never noticed. The long quiet stretches and the conversations that come up. The decision to stop into a restaurant for a drink just because you happened upon it.

On Sunday we walked to VCU. It's a long walk, but the day was overcast and cooler than usual and we wanted to get out of the house. We stopped for coffee and tea at Starbucks. We walked past the park, and saw a cat in a window. When we made it to the library it was closed. We sat on a bench and finished our drinks. We remarked that it was getting darker and windy.

On the walk home it started raining. C suggested we stop at Garnett's, a tiny restaurant on Park Ave, and wait out the storm. I had bubbly glass of vinho verde and a cheese plate. C had a sandwich and a couple of beers. When we left it was still raining, but we didn't care.

We were almost home when we came up behind a man who was stumbling and using the building next to us to support himself. It was only 4:00, but he was very drunk. I was closest to him, and groaned under my breath. Drunks are unpredictable and I don't like being around strangers when they're drunk. Wordlessly, C put his hand on my waist and pushed me behind him and to his left, putting himself between me and the man. This gesture, so small, meant so much. My eyes stung and I smiled, wrapping my arm around his. C doesn't often verbally express how he feels, but as long as he keeps protecting me from drunk, homeless people he doesn't need to.

Once we were a block ahead of the man C told me that he had seen that same man about a week ago. He was on the way home with a pizza when the man stopped him. He was holding two jars and said, "What are these??" C said, "That one's peanut butter and that one is relish." The man pointed to the peanut butter and said, "Which one is this again?" and C said, "That's the peanut butter." And the man held up the relish and said, "What's this one?" and C said, "That's one's the relish." And walked on.

This seems like a fairly normal day, but it was a day that wouldn't have happened if we had been in a car. It would have taken 10 minutes to get to VCU to find the library closed. Then we would have gotten home before the rain started. I probably would have watched some show about mental disorders on A&E and C would have done stuff on the computer. I am so thankful to C for showing me how much more there is to the world when you're not behind glass windows with air conditioning. I may have taught C how to drive, but he taught me how to walk.

The Longest Week

I don't know what has been up with this week. I sleep, I work, I cook dinner. Repeat. Tuesday felt like it should have been Friday. C has a job interview in Raleigh in a couple of weeks. I think it is making time move slower. I have never been happier to see Thursday.

I've been doing research on Raleigh. It's fun learning about a new city. I think Raleigh would be a good fit. Even though I eventually want to be closer to C's family, moving north makes me anxious. I am the south. I am sweet tea and chicken and dumplings and a porch swing.

My mom got engaged on Monday. She's been with him for 5 months. C and I have been planning to get engaged longer than they've been together. To each his own.

It's Thursday, and that means C is coming over to my place tonight. We spend the week days at his apartment and Thursday - Sunday at mine. I like it when we're all at my apartment. It's easier for me to cook and I feel bad that the cats are alone most of the week. I'm glad C convinced me to get both of them so they can be each others friends.

Once, Stella got outside and we spent the entire weekend looking for her. Toby was so distressed he was trying to jump up the walls and running at the door and slamming himself in to it. We had to sedate him. I was so worried he was going to hurt himself. Stella spent two days under a storage unit behind my building. When we finally found her and got her home Toby hissed and swiped at her and they fought for a week.

We're taking Monday off and heading to the beach. Since I work on Saturday's I rarely get two consecutive days off. The summer is almost over and my skin is already getting lighter. I have to be so careful with C in the sun. His crazy Irish skin burns in minutes. I can't wait.

Tricks!

I love playing tricks on C. When I was growing up we would hide at the top of the stairs and jump out at the poor, unsuspecting person that was just trying to go to their bedroom. C doesn't appreciate it when I sneak into his apartment and bound into the study where he's trying to concentrate. As fun as this is for me, it is not fun for him, so I have been forced to find other ways to trick him.

First, I started hiding. I hide while he's in the shower. So he knows I'm there, just not where. I once buried myself under a down blanket in July at the bottom of his closet. Only to wait there, curled up for 25 minutes. Another time I went out on the balcony on a cold March morning wrapped only in a bed sheet. Usually I hide in closets, or under the kitchen table. On one lazy morning I decided to hide right as the bathroom door was opening and just hurled myself onto the floor on the other side of the bed. He stood right next to me while looking for me in the closet. I lay there frozen and shaking with laughter until he circled back around and found me 5 minutes later.

These cats are my greatest and favorite trick. I find the ads hilarious. At first I would just tear them out, fold them up and hand them to him whenever I stumbled across one. He would take the paper, shake his head, unfold it and say, "Why??" It was when he started refusing to take them from me that I realized I needed to up my game.

That's when I started sneaking them into his pockets. It is very convenient to date an unobservant man when trying to put things in his pockets. First, you must get him to stand up. Maybe ask him to help you with something in the kitchen. Getting him off of the sofa is the hardest part. After this it's a piece of cake. Next, you kiss him. Get a little grabby, this serves as a distraction for what is about to come. The final step is carefully slipping the folded ad from your pocket and into his. The front pockets are a little more advanced, but it takes less time to discover the plant. When you put it in the back pocket he can't hear/feel the crinkling as easily and it may take some time to discover. A quick discovery is key. You want him to realize that he's been had.

Lately, though, even the concealed cat ad is starting to lose its pizzazz. That's when I discovered it online. I held this knowledge in my pocket and waited for the perfect opportunity to strike. The other night C went up to the corner market and I knew this was my chance. I googled the image as quickly as his creaky old computer could google, right clicked and chose 'Set as Background.' The computer was just shutting down as he arrived home. I was giddy all night imagining him starting his computer in the morning, getting his cup of coffee and coming back to the black and white cat as his wallpaper.

The key to a trick is finding something that can keep you guessing. I never hide in the same place two times in a row. I try to come up with new, clever twists. Don't use all of your tricks at once. Spread them out and save them. And most importantly, only do things that make both of you laugh. Get out there kids. Trick each other.

From the Beginning

My first date with C was in a coffee shop. I was a few months out of a long, depressing relationship and I was scared to death. I was also very pessimistic. Louis CK worded it perfectly when he said, "Best case scenario is that you get along, love each other, and are perfect partners and then one of you dies." But C's emails were charming, and the attention was nice.

It was late March. I had survived another bitter winter. My journal said things like: It's weird being like this. Standing in line all by yourself buying banana oatmeal, granola bars, and multiple cats litter. I can hear the cars rolling by outside and I wonder where all those people are headed. I wonder if anyone else is sitting at home with their multiple cats missing someone. I wonder if anyone else has ever felt this kind of desperation.

So yeah, I was in a good place.

He suggested we meet at a Starbucks in the Museum District. I spent my first year in the city slumming it with the hippies in Oregon Hill and even though it was only a few miles away I had no idea where it was. I did my hair special that morning, and clutching the mapquest directions in my clammy hand, met him after work. I wore a black shirt and a turquoise necklace. I don't remember much about the date. It went well. Our conversation was effortless. Afterward I couldn't remember anything about him. You could have put him next to any other white guy with brown hair and I probably wouldn't have been able to figure out which one I had just spent the last 3 hours with.

He wanted to see me again, and I wanted to see him. I was in the process of packing up my apartment and moving to the Museum District, conveniently and coincidentally 2 blocks away from him. I couldn't get away from my packing, so he agreed to come see me. I remember taking little sips from a bottle of Emetrol to keep my nausea under control. I was so nervous it was making me sick. C now calls me "an easy vomiter." Almost every time I get nervous or upset I throw up.

When I saw him for our second date I was shocked. He was so handsome! How could I not remember those eyes? They looked like sea glass. He was funny too. It was so nice to see him again. To think about it, it seems like all of this just happened. Three years ago I never could have guessed that one little email would turn into all of this.

After our second date we were inseparable. His home was my home. My car was his car. The cats we adopted a year later were our cats. The most nervous I've ever been led to the happiest I've ever been. Mostly I'm just happy that I'll never have to go on another first date.

A Short Story

My sister, the one that just graduated from High School, the one that is going to Northeastern and the one that is currently in France for the next three weeks, wasn't always so bright. For about two years somewhere between the ages of 3 and 6 she used to accidentally bite herself almost every night at dinner.

She never really learned how to eat right. She would always scoop the food onto her fork with her left hand, then once it was teetering away on the fork she would lift it off and put it in her mouth with her hand. She's always been a messy kid.

We would all be gathered around the table. I grew up in one of those crazy homes where we actually ate dinner together every night. We would be talking about our day and all of the sudden from across the table the tears would start. Then the wailing would follow. And after a couple of seconds had passed we would sigh and say, "What'd you bite this time, Baby Caite?" And she would blubber, "My fiiiinnnnger." It would either be her finger or her own mouth. And we would shake our heads and roll our eyes and whisper, "How does this happen every night?"