Tricks!

I love playing tricks on C. When I was growing up we would hide at the top of the stairs and jump out at the poor, unsuspecting person that was just trying to go to their bedroom. C doesn't appreciate it when I sneak into his apartment and bound into the study where he's trying to concentrate. As fun as this is for me, it is not fun for him, so I have been forced to find other ways to trick him.

First, I started hiding. I hide while he's in the shower. So he knows I'm there, just not where. I once buried myself under a down blanket in July at the bottom of his closet. Only to wait there, curled up for 25 minutes. Another time I went out on the balcony on a cold March morning wrapped only in a bed sheet. Usually I hide in closets, or under the kitchen table. On one lazy morning I decided to hide right as the bathroom door was opening and just hurled myself onto the floor on the other side of the bed. He stood right next to me while looking for me in the closet. I lay there frozen and shaking with laughter until he circled back around and found me 5 minutes later.

These cats are my greatest and favorite trick. I find the ads hilarious. At first I would just tear them out, fold them up and hand them to him whenever I stumbled across one. He would take the paper, shake his head, unfold it and say, "Why??" It was when he started refusing to take them from me that I realized I needed to up my game.

That's when I started sneaking them into his pockets. It is very convenient to date an unobservant man when trying to put things in his pockets. First, you must get him to stand up. Maybe ask him to help you with something in the kitchen. Getting him off of the sofa is the hardest part. After this it's a piece of cake. Next, you kiss him. Get a little grabby, this serves as a distraction for what is about to come. The final step is carefully slipping the folded ad from your pocket and into his. The front pockets are a little more advanced, but it takes less time to discover the plant. When you put it in the back pocket he can't hear/feel the crinkling as easily and it may take some time to discover. A quick discovery is key. You want him to realize that he's been had.

Lately, though, even the concealed cat ad is starting to lose its pizzazz. That's when I discovered it online. I held this knowledge in my pocket and waited for the perfect opportunity to strike. The other night C went up to the corner market and I knew this was my chance. I googled the image as quickly as his creaky old computer could google, right clicked and chose 'Set as Background.' The computer was just shutting down as he arrived home. I was giddy all night imagining him starting his computer in the morning, getting his cup of coffee and coming back to the black and white cat as his wallpaper.

The key to a trick is finding something that can keep you guessing. I never hide in the same place two times in a row. I try to come up with new, clever twists. Don't use all of your tricks at once. Spread them out and save them. And most importantly, only do things that make both of you laugh. Get out there kids. Trick each other.

From the Beginning

My first date with C was in a coffee shop. I was a few months out of a long, depressing relationship and I was scared to death. I was also very pessimistic. Louis CK worded it perfectly when he said, "Best case scenario is that you get along, love each other, and are perfect partners and then one of you dies." But C's emails were charming, and the attention was nice.

It was late March. I had survived another bitter winter. My journal said things like: It's weird being like this. Standing in line all by yourself buying banana oatmeal, granola bars, and multiple cats litter. I can hear the cars rolling by outside and I wonder where all those people are headed. I wonder if anyone else is sitting at home with their multiple cats missing someone. I wonder if anyone else has ever felt this kind of desperation.

So yeah, I was in a good place.

He suggested we meet at a Starbucks in the Museum District. I spent my first year in the city slumming it with the hippies in Oregon Hill and even though it was only a few miles away I had no idea where it was. I did my hair special that morning, and clutching the mapquest directions in my clammy hand, met him after work. I wore a black shirt and a turquoise necklace. I don't remember much about the date. It went well. Our conversation was effortless. Afterward I couldn't remember anything about him. You could have put him next to any other white guy with brown hair and I probably wouldn't have been able to figure out which one I had just spent the last 3 hours with.

He wanted to see me again, and I wanted to see him. I was in the process of packing up my apartment and moving to the Museum District, conveniently and coincidentally 2 blocks away from him. I couldn't get away from my packing, so he agreed to come see me. I remember taking little sips from a bottle of Emetrol to keep my nausea under control. I was so nervous it was making me sick. C now calls me "an easy vomiter." Almost every time I get nervous or upset I throw up.

When I saw him for our second date I was shocked. He was so handsome! How could I not remember those eyes? They looked like sea glass. He was funny too. It was so nice to see him again. To think about it, it seems like all of this just happened. Three years ago I never could have guessed that one little email would turn into all of this.

After our second date we were inseparable. His home was my home. My car was his car. The cats we adopted a year later were our cats. The most nervous I've ever been led to the happiest I've ever been. Mostly I'm just happy that I'll never have to go on another first date.

A Short Story

My sister, the one that just graduated from High School, the one that is going to Northeastern and the one that is currently in France for the next three weeks, wasn't always so bright. For about two years somewhere between the ages of 3 and 6 she used to accidentally bite herself almost every night at dinner.

She never really learned how to eat right. She would always scoop the food onto her fork with her left hand, then once it was teetering away on the fork she would lift it off and put it in her mouth with her hand. She's always been a messy kid.

We would all be gathered around the table. I grew up in one of those crazy homes where we actually ate dinner together every night. We would be talking about our day and all of the sudden from across the table the tears would start. Then the wailing would follow. And after a couple of seconds had passed we would sigh and say, "What'd you bite this time, Baby Caite?" And she would blubber, "My fiiiinnnnger." It would either be her finger or her own mouth. And we would shake our heads and roll our eyes and whisper, "How does this happen every night?"

On Violence

Last night C and I were in charge of my nephew. At one point I shot of video of Gray serving some plastic spaghetti to C. For some reason we were all speaking with a British accent. C didn't think the plastic spaghetti was worth the $15 price tag that the baby was demanding. I ended up showing Gray how to grab C by the collar and shake his fist at him while shouting, "Give me my money!" Gray threw a few (fake) punches and when all was said and done he had his $15 plus some.

I wish I could share it on here but I've decided to keep this thing semi-anonymous. It was one of the funniest things I've ever seen. Babies can drive you crazy, but they sure are great entertainment.

The Hottest Summer

This has been the hottest summer I can remember. We have record highs every week. None of this really affects me during the work week. I don't leave my office most days. Cooking is a bit of a chore. Even with the AC blasting the kitchen is unbearable to be in.

My dad's girlfriend owns some property on the Rappahannock River. She has a half dozen or so one room cabins with screened in porches that are almost bigger than the cabins themselves. C and I drove down on Sunday and enjoyed a day on the beach boating and riding jet skis. I haven't ridden on a jet ski in years. I know when I was in my teens I would go as fast as I could; hitting waves and falling off. In our old age C and I couldn't stand going faster than 40mph.

I've never been an adrenaline junkie. I hate roller coasters and horror movies. I hate feeling scared. I can't even stand procrastinating because I hate the adrenaline rush that comes with it. When I was a kid I could never enjoy the weekend until I had all of my homework done. I'd spend every minute thinking about it, about what I still needed to do and how much time I had left.

We saw Knight and Day over the weekend. C's brother was an extra in the movie. He's in the beginning so I kept thinking, "Don't miss it, don't miss it." But I missed it. C whispered, "There he was. Did you see the back of his head??" The movie was ridiculous, but funny, and we got to escape from the heat for a little while.

C is making burgers for dinner tonight. I have to work late every now and then and he always takes care of dinner for me on those nights. He is such a great help.

Babies and Movies

We took my nephew Gray to see How to Train Your Dragon at the Byrd today. Gray hadn't taken a nap and promptly fell asleep 20 minutes into the movie. At one point Gray sat up and he reached out and started opening and closing his hand, grabbing at the air. I put my hand in his and he guided my hand to his mouth. He was trying to eat popcorn in his sleep. Ha! I kept secretly glancing at C. Every time some little kid would shout out something unintelligible I would see him smile out of the corner of my eye. He was so cute.

That part of our life seems too close and too far away at the same time. I'm torn, because I want to have children as soon as possible, but I also love the life we have right now. I guess it's good that for now our finances have made the decision for us. No children for several more years.

For now I'll curb my baby cravings by playing mommy to Gray. Lord knows he could use one.

Please can I have it?

I'm always begging C to get me more pets. Despite not being a huge animal person I still want them. Especially undomesticated animals. A little pig, or a squirrel, or most of all, a raccoon. C maintains that squirrels and raccoons are not pets and there is no way that they could ever be a pet. Well, I'd like to submit exhibit A:

Now, I can tell that this is the 70's, but things haven't changed that much. Here's another. I bet that little girl had a happier life than all the other kids. Could he really deny me that?

All I'm saying is, it's up for debate. Just think about it, okay?

How to pretend to like someone, when you really don't

Think about moving out of state
Avoid eye contact
Remember that C thinks you're kind of crazy for hating him so much
Attempt to think of ways that it could be worse
Realize that it could be much worse
Don't drink!
Look away when he won't stop touching your mom
Leave the room when he keeps calling her by that ridiculous nickname
Keep your distance
Try to only be around him when there are other people around too
Work on your fake smile before you see him
Make a conscious effort to keep your face calm and smooth
Don't make eye contact with your sister when you think he's not looking
And most importantly: Try to remember how happy he makes your mom.

How I became a grown-up

I was born an adult
That's what my parents always said
responsible and caring
yet vaguely detached,
like a good adult should be
My father moved out
when I was 18
and that’s when I realized
that I could leave, too
I moved into a first floor apartment
in Oregon Hill
with a walk-in closet
and 8 windows
I brought my old, beat up cat
with a cloudy eye
and made my own home
A boy lived there with me
for awhile
everything seemed dark
and uncertain
I moved
to a third floor walk up
in the Museum District
and met someone new
light was everywhere
My old, withered cat died
and we adopted kittens
I pay my own bills
I feed the cats
and water my plants
and wash the sheets
I say I was born this way
and in some ways I was
but everything takes work
I guess the important part
is finding things you don’t mind working through

Graduation

My littlest sister graduated from High School last night. C and I ate and drank at Ipanema before the graduation. We haven't really been drinking much lately and I went a bit overboard, but it sure made the graduation fun.

We jumped and clapped and yelled when her name was called, and when it was over we hugged her and kissed her. She is headed to Northeastern in the fall. She's going to France for three weeks in July, and then it will be time to trudge up to Boston for registration. This is going to be the fastest summer of her life. I couldn't be more proud of her.