Early Morning

It seems that early morning is my favorite time to write. My sleep has been erratic. Today I woke at 2am and again for good at 5. In the morning everything is clean and crisp. Outside it is quiet. There are only a few cars on the road. Where are they going?

There are boxes everywhere. The clutter makes me anxious, but I am relieved to see progress. C's parents are looking at apartments for us on Saturday. Once that is taken care of I think I will feel better. The bills are piling up, but I don't want to send them out until I have our new address. I won't be here the next time they come.

I try my best to do things perfectly. That's why this move is driving me crazy. I want it to go off without a hitch.. but it probably won't. I vacillate between being completely at peace with that notion and obsessive planning trying to come up with new ways to make it perfect.

I can hear the train. I hope there will be a train nearby in Northampton.

Big News

Well, big changes are happening on the RR/EG front. I'm not sure what I'm going to do about my name... I'm not a girlfriend anymore. On Sunday, C took me to the Shenandoah Valley and proposed! It's a great story, probably better told by him, but it was a beautiful day. The foliage was just starting to turn in the mountains. I am still riding high and can't stop looking at my ring.

On top of that big news we're also moving to Massachusetts! C got a job at Smith College. We're leaving Richmond in early/mid November. We're making a lot of progress over here. We're still looking for an apartment, but we've been packing like crazy and C is meeting with movers today. I'm so excited I can hardly sleep.

Friday at Four in the Morning

I have been awake for awhile. My breathing technique that usually puts me to sleep has not been working. I can hear an ambulance somewhere west of here. The cats are unsettled, the weather is unsettled. Earlier I was reading and the power flickered. It was absolute darkness for a moment.

I have a bad relationship with 4am. These past few weeks I see 4:00 one way or another. At first I woke up at 4:00, which was annoying, but not terrible. Now I wake up at 1:00 or 2:00 and don't nod off again until after 4:00. I feel exhausted right now, but not tired. There's so much to think about. I need to start packing. I'm making a mental list of all the things I can pack now. Books, pictures, most of the things on the walls. Should I try to bring my cacti along?

If you can shove through all of the worry and anxiety you can see that I am truly happy. I will get to be near Caite. I will be able to start fresh with a new job. C and I will be able to move forward with our lives. This is the beginning of our adventure.

I Have No Words

And that's a good thing. I will say more when I've found my voice.

The End of an Era

C and I went to Byrd Park on Sunday to try out the paddle boats. We had an okay time. My dad was right when he warned us that after about 5 minutes we would be ready to head back in. It's a small man-made lake and you rent the boats for $12/half hour. Sometime towards the end of our 30 minute ride my ID and debit card wormed themselves out of my pocket and into the lake. It's a very helpless feeling being without identification and access to your main bank account.

My new ID just arrived in the mail, and its a sideways license instead of the up and down license I've had since I was sixteen. I'm not sure if other states do it this way, but in Virginia if you're under 21 your license is read vertically. After you turn 21 (and renew your license) then you get one that's read horizontally. So now I have my grown-up license. In some way this solidifies my adulthood more than anything so far.

Thanks for making it official, DMV.

Lemon Drop Liquor

This is one of C's favorite drinks.

 
You make a simple syrup with one part sugar one part water. Add the juice from a couple of lemons and some strips of lemon zest. Throw it all in a mason jar with a bottle of vodka. Now, technically you're supposed to put it in a dark, cool place for three weeks, shaking the jar every two days.

It usually only sits for a week before C gets his greasy little paws on it in our house. I typically mix it with a squeeze of fresh lemon and sparkling water. However, you can shake it with ice and serve it straight up.

Exhaustion

It's a common theme these days. Even when my body is still my mind is racing. It's been too long since I got a good night's sleep. I usually do not write when I feel this way, but I think I should. I've felt this way before and it's a hopeless feeling, but it alway goes away. I will not feel like this forever. All I need is a cup of tea, a day off and a warm bed. This will get better.

Today I Would Rather...

Stay in bed all day with C
I wish I hadn't had to put on make up
Or blow dry my hair
I would have gone on a walk
and seen these flowers again
I would have gone out to breakfast
I could have played tennis
or gone on a run!
I have too much energy today
to sit at a desk
Maybe it's just anger
I never have real energy
but I'm so angry today I feel like I could
climb a mountain
wrestle a bear
beat cancer and
write a book
all before dark

On Sunday we went on a long walk.

I grew up in the suburbs. My parents were overprotective and I wasn't allowed much alone time. We rarely went on walks together and as an adult my philosophy has been "Why walk when you can drive?" I saw walking as inefficient and boring.

C spent months battling my adversity to walking. I would argue, "It's too cold. It's getting dark. My feet/back/legs hurt!" But slowly, I started coming around. I started seeing things that you can't see when you're flying by in an SUV. That house on Grove with the lovely yard. The intricate architecture, specific plants and trees I'd never noticed. The long quiet stretches and the conversations that come up. The decision to stop into a restaurant for a drink just because you happened upon it.

On Sunday we walked to VCU. It's a long walk, but the day was overcast and cooler than usual and we wanted to get out of the house. We stopped for coffee and tea at Starbucks. We walked past the park, and saw a cat in a window. When we made it to the library it was closed. We sat on a bench and finished our drinks. We remarked that it was getting darker and windy.

On the walk home it started raining. C suggested we stop at Garnett's, a tiny restaurant on Park Ave, and wait out the storm. I had bubbly glass of vinho verde and a cheese plate. C had a sandwich and a couple of beers. When we left it was still raining, but we didn't care.

We were almost home when we came up behind a man who was stumbling and using the building next to us to support himself. It was only 4:00, but he was very drunk. I was closest to him, and groaned under my breath. Drunks are unpredictable and I don't like being around strangers when they're drunk. Wordlessly, C put his hand on my waist and pushed me behind him and to his left, putting himself between me and the man. This gesture, so small, meant so much. My eyes stung and I smiled, wrapping my arm around his. C doesn't often verbally express how he feels, but as long as he keeps protecting me from drunk, homeless people he doesn't need to.

Once we were a block ahead of the man C told me that he had seen that same man about a week ago. He was on the way home with a pizza when the man stopped him. He was holding two jars and said, "What are these??" C said, "That one's peanut butter and that one is relish." The man pointed to the peanut butter and said, "Which one is this again?" and C said, "That's the peanut butter." And the man held up the relish and said, "What's this one?" and C said, "That's one's the relish." And walked on.

This seems like a fairly normal day, but it was a day that wouldn't have happened if we had been in a car. It would have taken 10 minutes to get to VCU to find the library closed. Then we would have gotten home before the rain started. I probably would have watched some show about mental disorders on A&E and C would have done stuff on the computer. I am so thankful to C for showing me how much more there is to the world when you're not behind glass windows with air conditioning. I may have taught C how to drive, but he taught me how to walk.

The Longest Week

I don't know what has been up with this week. I sleep, I work, I cook dinner. Repeat. Tuesday felt like it should have been Friday. C has a job interview in Raleigh in a couple of weeks. I think it is making time move slower. I have never been happier to see Thursday.

I've been doing research on Raleigh. It's fun learning about a new city. I think Raleigh would be a good fit. Even though I eventually want to be closer to C's family, moving north makes me anxious. I am the south. I am sweet tea and chicken and dumplings and a porch swing.

My mom got engaged on Monday. She's been with him for 5 months. C and I have been planning to get engaged longer than they've been together. To each his own.

It's Thursday, and that means C is coming over to my place tonight. We spend the week days at his apartment and Thursday - Sunday at mine. I like it when we're all at my apartment. It's easier for me to cook and I feel bad that the cats are alone most of the week. I'm glad C convinced me to get both of them so they can be each others friends.

Once, Stella got outside and we spent the entire weekend looking for her. Toby was so distressed he was trying to jump up the walls and running at the door and slamming himself in to it. We had to sedate him. I was so worried he was going to hurt himself. Stella spent two days under a storage unit behind my building. When we finally found her and got her home Toby hissed and swiped at her and they fought for a week.

We're taking Monday off and heading to the beach. Since I work on Saturday's I rarely get two consecutive days off. The summer is almost over and my skin is already getting lighter. I have to be so careful with C in the sun. His crazy Irish skin burns in minutes. I can't wait.